UGH!

I feel like I need to puke somewhere.

Anyway, I may lose my job very soon. I got sent home today because my shirt is not shiny and new. I need to buy a brand new shirt for my job or I will get fired. I don't even like my job, so why would I want to buy a brand new shirt? The shirt will just get dirty in a week anyway, plus the job is minimum wage and there is gas expenses, tire wear, oil changes, etc. Ugh, why bother eh? I put in applications before I went into work today anyway.

My public speaking class was last night and we had a substitute teacher already. When he read my name off the list, he said "That's a very nice name, the name of a poet." Something I had been thinking anyway. I always knew my name was nice... OK, so there was a short period that I wished to change it, but I was young and naive then.

I tried to put my CD player into my car by myself yesterday because I was tired of being musicless in my car. I hooked everything up the way that made sense to me, but nothing worked. This is getting very frustrating! Music is therapeutic to me. I REALLY need to ease my stress and get my mind off of... things. I try to sing to myself with no music, but the music is what controls my voice and keeps it from going places it shouldn't go. Plus something about certain types of music make me sing in ways that I otherwise can't figure out how to. I mostly need the music for stress though... I miss Five Iron Frenzy.

College is going to be tough for a while, and not because of the work involved. I have no first semester friends in any of my classes, and not only that, but they aren't even at school when I am! Some would rather have it that way I guess, but it's still tough for me. The smell of the college is killer.

I really need to go on that cross-country trip this summer... I really need it. YES I DO!

Ramble ramble ramble....

Cross Country Adventure!

Yesterday I had the amazing idea to take a cross-country trip this summer. I will get a friend who also likes the prospect of adventure and we would take a video camera along as we drove from NY to California! Along the way we would have to stop and visit friends and relatives of course. In order to make the most out of the trip we would probably go out to Cali taking a northern route and return via a southern route, or vice verse. The idea excites me even now. Haha, it would be so much fun and would add to my memories for when I am old and dying. I really have to do something like this while I still can ya know.

So, I have to be sure not to get scared and decide not to go because that would be dumb and right now I really want to do it. It will be good for me! ithink

Update

Unfortunately, I have to start preparing for school. Classes begin the week of the 26'th but my first class of the semester is on the 27'th. Books are available beginning today, so I have to make some time to get down there and get them... yay. I'm taking Psychology, Public Speaking, and Interpersonal Communications.

My car is also being fixed in Canandaigua so when it is ready I will go down to pick it up and then go get books if I have time. I am kind of disappointed at how winter break went, I had hoped to do more and have a fun time. But whatever, there's always summer, eh?

Sorry, my thoughts have been rather scattered lately so this isn't the most well thought out post.

Oh, I have a rental car for now while my car is being fixed, but unfortunately, the rental place (Enterprise) failed to check the tires before renting me the car. My Rio has never been stuck in the snow, but this Optima got stuck right away. It has near bald summertime slicks on it >:( Now why would they do that to me?

Things to do in My Lifetime

I think I have been developing a more evident sense of adventure lately, but I don't know how to have fun. I need ideas for doing fun and maybe slightly mischievous stuff as long as it isn't illegal... not too illegal anyway, ha ha. Even if it's just driving around with a couple friends all night long being totally innocent. Now that I am 21 I can legally purchase alcohol, but I honestly can't seem to find the fun in getting smashed drunk. I have yet to purchase any alcohol despite the encouragement of a couple friends to do so.

Anyway, I have been thinking of things that I need to do in my lifetime and compiling a list. Here are a few of my aspirations.

Ride the L-train in Chicago.

Ride the subway in New York City.

Drive all night long and in the early morning stop at a small cafe where I don't know anyone and order breakfast (why does that sound enticing? I don't even know, but it does).

Visit London and walk the streets late at night.

Sing in a rock band, preferably one that actually rocks.

Drive a ricer (fast and the furious car) on a highway in Los Angeles.

Have a Guinness in a small Irish town (I know, I'm evil).

Meet at least one famous person.

Learn martial arts... if I can. :/

Fire a fully automatic weapon.

I would like to have a good girlfriend at least once in my life.

I've always wanted to go to Australia... but I don't know what I want to do there.

Roadtrip with friends across the country... maybe to LA where we will drive ricers down the highways.

Thwart a robbery. >:D

Make at least one movie, even if it stinks at least I tried, eh?

There will probably be more to come, but that's all I can think of for now.

Public Information

There has been a whole lot of stuff on my mind lately... but because of the sheer volume of how much there is it would make it very difficult to describe.

For one, I have finally identified the root cause of my pessimism. I used to think of it as a curse of sorts but I have realized now that I use it as a defense mechanism. By not allowing my hopes and expectations to get too high, I keep myself from falling too far and getting hurt too much. I also use pessimism as a means to get attention. I never before thought of myself as one who craves the spotlight... and I really don't think the spotlight is what I want. Instead, I just want to be noticed and appreciated. Someone else can take the spotlight, just so long as I don't get shoved to some dark corner in the process. Is that a bad thing??

I guess people use many different methods of calling attention to themselves, I just happen to use self degradation. I want people to tell me that I am appreciated... without telling them to tell me.

But somehow I still manage to make myself feel blah even after being told that I am appreciated. Then what am I looking for? I think I am looking for a deeper sense of appreciation than what I get. I'm starting to feel lost... I don't want anyone to think I'm turning "emo" or anything... I think I'm just saying out loud (or on paper) what everyone else feels but feels like they can't say for fear of being labeled "emo."

I think that's enough for now.