There has been a whole lot of stuff on my mind lately... but because of the sheer volume of how much there is it would make it very difficult to describe.
For one, I have finally identified the root cause of my pessimism. I used to think of it as a curse of sorts but I have realized now that I use it as a defense mechanism. By not allowing my hopes and expectations to get too high, I keep myself from falling too far and getting hurt too much. I also use pessimism as a means to get attention. I never before thought of myself as one who craves the spotlight... and I really don't think the spotlight is what I want. Instead, I just want to be noticed and appreciated. Someone else can take the spotlight, just so long as I don't get shoved to some dark corner in the process. Is that a bad thing??
I guess people use many different methods of calling attention to themselves, I just happen to use self degradation. I want people to tell me that I am appreciated... without telling them to tell me.
But somehow I still manage to make myself feel blah even after being told that I am appreciated. Then what am I looking for? I think I am looking for a deeper sense of appreciation than what I get. I'm starting to feel lost... I don't want anyone to think I'm turning "emo" or anything... I think I'm just saying out loud (or on paper) what everyone else feels but feels like they can't say for fear of being labeled "emo."
I think that's enough for now.
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4 comments:
I don't know what "emo" means...so I can't comment on that. I do know that we all love and care about you. When I read your self degrading comments, it hurts me inside because I care about you. It's hard to explain why I feel pain inside when you do that. Maybe it is because I had depression so badly once that I really hated myself and did the same thing (only secretly). I remember how deeply I hurt. You are an incredibly special person. God has gifted you and can use you for his glorification. I'm sure He hurts the most when we are so self degrading. He created us and loves us. Ask him to show you how special you are. Ask him to heal whatever is hurting in you. As long as you drag yourself down, you can not be what God truly intends for you to be...and that is what Satan wants the most. Don't let that slime win!!!!!
We love you, Joe!!!!!!
Satan has a way of tormenting, condemning, and leaving us feeling worthless and invaluable, yet God loves us so much He sent Jesus to die so that we could have fellowship with Him. We all have difficult days and sometimes they stretch into weeks or months. You are not alone, you are not unloved, you are not worthless or stupid. You are dearly loved.
"Breathe deep, fly high!"
Thanks :)
Emo means emotional. Like, "I hate everyone because everyone hates me." Or, "I'm living to die."
I'm sorry GI Joe. I love you and really appreciate the help you've been giving me the last 3 1/2 months. I'm glad I don't have to bring in the wood every day! Yuck!
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